5 Tips for Writing a Fantastic Novel

 1. Write as much as possible, and repeat yourself indefinitely, until you have entirely exhausted not only the subject, but every possible redundancy upon the subject that you can contrive, and until your reader’s eyes nearly drop out of his head with boredom, thus proving that most of what you are saying could be said in about a quarter of the space, but why should you keep your discussion brief and concise when there are so many ways to say the same thing, to prove that you’re a writer by filling up an otherwise useful blank sheet of paper, and to construct a thought pattern that is so long that both you and the reader forget what you started out to say in the first place.

      2.     Use adverbs, adjectives, and similes liberally. No one should simply say anything that that they could say slowly or excitedly or dismally or angrily; if the writer will not responsibly take upon himself the task of entertainingly conveying his idea through adverbs, then he should reluctantly leave the task for others to admirably perform. 

If there is a dress, it must be a calf-length, sleeveless, sweetheart neck, frilly, chiffon saffron yellow dress. A dress with less going on simply won’t do. 

A person in danger must be a fly in the spider’s web and the prey of the predator, while the main character’s romantic interest must have eyes like pools of water and a voice like a Siren. 

No situation is sufficiently dangerous or romantic of its own accord without ample aid from parallel experiences.

      3.     Describe effusively. If you must describe a scene, don’t leave anything to the imagination. Every detail of the scene, political situation, or background story must be committed to paper. Leaving details for later in the story only heightens suspense and keeps the reader…well…reading. 

Like Rumplestiltskin, force your reader to spin even the very straw into imaginary gold. Do not stop when the room is halfway-full of said gold, but continue until the reader drowns in the rich romantic verbiage with which you have burdened him. Leave the reader sceaming for action or dialogue, whichever should come first, then comply using the following method:

      4.     Keep dialogue within the confines of text messaging vocabulary.  Puns, witty banter, and brilliant one-liners are a thing of the past. Focus instead on snarky comments, cliché rejoinders, and obvious statements. If you don’t know what else to say, insert LOL and continue. Or you can choose from any of the following tried and true phrases:

“So it has come to this.”

“This is true love. Do you think it happens every day?”

“Take me to your leader.”

“I’ll hold them off while you make your escape.”

“You haven’t seen the last of me!”

“I love you.” (Response: “I know.”)

“Mwahahaha!”

     5.    Ignore the laws of physics and nature. Characters may fall from a 100-story building, onto the soft, cloud-like cushion of a car below, and be up and running before you can say “Cheesy.” Bullet wounds to the chest? Trifles. Can the bad guys aim? Not a chance! 

If this is the third time your hero has encountered the villain and there really isn’t anything new to add to the conflict, throw in a freak earthquake or thunderstorm. Better yet, let the final duel play out while they’re floating down a river of lava on pieces of rock; true heroes can survive temperatures in the hundreds. 

Heroes also swing from vine to vine, dodge the bullets of their primitive pursuers, hold their breath indefinitely underwater, and dangle from cliffs at the most inopportune moments. They never lose their hats, never miss when jumping to and from rapidly moving objects, and never have a sniffle.