Doctor Fiction Interviews Comma

DR. FICTION
Greetings, and welcome to the Dr. Fiction Show! I’m your host, Dr. Fiction, and today our guest is Punctuation Society’s favorite: Comma! Welcome, Comma.

COMMA
Thanks for having me. I must say, I am gratified at the number of times you used my services in your opening comments.

DR. FICTION
Well, I have a reputation to maintain. I understand you do as well.

COMMA
I used to have a decent reputation. It’s getting tarnished these days. I must be picking up some of the bad habits of my cousin, Apostrophe.

DR. FICTION
Can you give an example of what you do—at least, what you are supposed to do?  

---

COMMA
For starters, a main part of my job is to separate the Dependent Clauses from their relatives the Independent Clauses (or from other dependent clauses). They’re always bickering with each other and trying to hog each other’s space. It’s like two little kids in the back seat. “Mommy, she touched me! He’s on my side of the seat!” That sort of thing.

DR. FICTION
Forgive my ignorance, but what, exactly, is a dependent clause? Or an independent clause?

COMMA
A Dependent Clause is an incomplete thought, while an Independent Clause is a complete thought. In other words, a Dependent Clause depends on the Independent Clause to make sense, and the Independent Clause is so independent that it makes sense all by itself. Take, for example, this sentence: “During the fair, I sampled ice cream and fed a camel.” The phrase “During the fair” is dependent, because it is incomplete. The rest of the sentence—“I sampled ice cream and fed a camel”—actually stands well by itself, so it is an Independent Clause.

DR. FICTION
So you distinguish between the two types of Clauses.

COMMA
I’m supposed to. But do people appreciate me? No. They ignore me. Hence, the Independent and the Dependent Clauses butt into each other’s space and we have ghastly sentences like “During the fair I sampled ice cream and fed a camel.” No one knows where to breathe or pause in a sentence like that! The Bureau of Better Language might overlook the absence of my certification on a short sentence, but on a longer sentence…forget it. If I’m not there, confusion reigns.

DR. FICTION
And is that the entirety of your job?

COMMA
Goodness, no. I’m just getting started. After all, the Clauses aren’t the only feuding groups. Interjections—the most excitable types of the Grammar family—absolutely must be separated from everyone else. So must greetings, transitional words like “therefore” and “however,” and lists of items or activities. But people don’t pay attention. Therefore everyone must suffer the consequences of confusion all of which could be avoided if they would simply use my services but no they refuse to do so however much I plead beg and wheedle them to do so.

DR. FICTION
Gracious! Are you all right? Do you need some water?

COMMA
Sorry. I got a little breathless at the end. I was trying to make a point… Now I’m so dizzy I forget what the point was.

DR. FICTION
People don’t appreciate you.

COMMA
Oh yes! Right. Well, I got tired of people forgetting that I existed. So I decided to show up where I didn’t belong. I have been known to shove Period out of the way when he has been acting to separate two sentences. When Period separates two items, they’re separated for good. When I separate them, they’re distinguished from each other, but not fully separate, like Siamese twins. Technically, two sentences should have nothing to do with each other, but when I barge in, they blunder around, linked to each other, completely unaware that they both look and sound utterly ludicrous.

DR. FICTION
Give an example, please.

COMMA
I started one sentence but didn’t know where to stop it, maybe I messed up and should start over.

DR. FICTION
Disgusting!

COMMA
I think so too. But it’s also pretty funny. Of course, I show up at other random times as well. I’ll take a perfectly good sentence—“You should wear the purple shirt”—and break it all up—“You should, wear the purple shirt” or “You should wear, the purple shirt” or “You should wear the purple, shirt.” I know I look like a fool, but at least I get noticed.

DR. FICTION
With any luck, you’ll be more noticed still through this interview.

COMMA
You have my gratitude, doctor.

DR. FICTION
Folks, this has been Comma from the Punctuation family. Join us next time for more interviews with Punctuation!