Dr. Fiction Interviews Apostrophe

DR. FICTION
Welcome to the Dr. Fiction Show! Today we are interviewing a representative from the Punctuation Society: Apostrophe! Welcome, Apostrophe.

APOSTROPHE
Thanks for having me, Doctor.

DR. FICTION
Apostrophe, I understand that your appearances lately have included both legal and illegal performances. Can you tell me a little bit about your legal work?

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APOSTROPHE
Legally, my contract states that I am responsible for identifying possessives and contractions, and keeping them under control. For example, a possessive involves something that belongs to someone. Sam’s boots. That annoying CD of Laura’s. Your sister's book.

DR. FICTION
Or Dr. Fiction’s Show.

APOSTROPHE
Absolutely! You have the right idea. You see, without my help, people would lose their possessions because everybody would mistake them for plurals. Sams boots looks like a brand name. That annoying CD of Lauras gives the impression there are many Lauras on the scene, or that the CD comes from the imaginary land of Lauras. Your sisters book sounds a book about sisters. In contrast, my presence allows the viewer to thoroughly understand that the object in question belongs to someone. Sam’s boots. That annoying CD of Laura’s. Your sister's book.

DR. FICTION
And contractions?

APOSTROPHE
Simply put, contractions involve two words that get squashed together. For instance, “she is” becomes “she’s,” and “is not” becomes “isn’t.” Basically, when a few letters of a common two-word phrase want to take a break, they call me in, and I substitute for them. This practice is very common in informal situations, although I am having a dickens of a time attracting upscale customers.

DR. FICTION
Which is why you’ve turned to some illegal performances.

APOSTROPHE
Yes, well, what can one do? Texting lingo has squeezed my business considerably, with words like “ur” replacing “you’re.” I wrote a complaint to the Bureau of Better Language on the subject, but I haven’t received a reply yet.

DR. FICTION
What exactly is the nature of your illegal activities?

APOSTROPHE
Word crashing. I insert myself into a word where I don’t belong. The letter S has filed a lawsuit against me, because I have fouled up all kinds of marketing campaigns by announcing “DVD’s sold here” and “We have the best service’s around!” If you read the ads carefully, they make no sense. The word “DVD’s” suggests that the DVD possesses something. What can a DVD possess? No one knows. “We have the best service’s around” looks like the service owns an “around,” whatever that is. Those words should be plurals, with a simple S at the end: “DVDs” and “services.”

DR. FICTION
How dastardly! No wonder you’re on the Grammar Police’s most wanted list!

APOSTROPHE
Even worse, I replace possessives with contractions. For example, “your oatmeal” is grammatically correct. But just to make sure I’m still the center of attention, I change it to “you’re oatmeal.” If you unravel the contraction, that means that I am saying, “You are oatmeal.” Not exactly a compliment.

DR. FICTION
Certainly not! With such a wide array of both legal and illegal activities, what do you see as your future, Apostrophe?

APOSTROPHE
Well, honestly, I’m getting tired. I might join my cousin Comma on some of his work; it’s just a step down from what I do, anyway.

DR. FICTION
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck! Folks, this has been Apostrophe from the Punctuation Society. Come back next time to hear more from your favorite punctuation marks, right here on the Dr. Fiction Show.