Dr. Fiction Interviews Period

DR. FICTION
Hello, and welcome to the Dr. Fiction Show. Today’s guest is Period, from the Grammar Society. Period, welcome, and may I just say that I love your look? The monocle seems very…distinguished.

PERIOD
Distinguished. Yes. I like how that sounds. I am, after all, a punctuation mark of some distinction.

DR. FICTION
You say that with such finality.

PERIOD
Finality is my profession.

DR. FICTION
Please explain.


PERIOD
My job is to ensure that the sentences remain autonomous beings. Without me, they would run into each other or blunder around, forever linked in a most hideous fashion. Comma gave you a horrific example in his interview of what sentences look like without me. I provide distinction. Each complete thought ends with me, so that the next complete thought is free to express himself without interference from the first one.

DR. FICTION
Do you find the work satisfying?

PERIOD
I do indeed. However, at times, I grow weary of my work because of the ignorance of others. You see, some people call me in early, before they’ve finished with their sentence. Thus, I end up in some embarrassing situations, separating a sentence from itself. Have you ever seen a decapitated sentence? It’s revolting.

DR. FICTION
Give me an example.

PERIOD
If someone asks, “Do you wish to remain anonymous or to be credited?” you should respond either, “I wish to remain anonymous.” Or “I wish to be credited.” It’s a full sentence either way, and flows beautifully. Some of my clients, however, interrupt that sentence with my services: “Anonymous” or “To be credited.” If someone came into the conversation just then, he’d have no idea what the sentence is referring to. It’s low-class.

DR. FICTION
However, I’ve heard that authoress Yaasha Moriah sometimes uses phrases in her writing. Take, for example, this line of dialogue from her book “Reflections.”

“Look, if you want to second-guess the plan, go ahead!” Richard spat. “Wait here until he finds you and do what he did to Tina. Or worse. Probably worse.”

Do you have an opinion on this?

PERIOD
Humph. She must be one of those new-fangled writers with ideas about “style” and “the percussive decisiveness of short phrases.” Those writers tend to allow in dialogue, or interior monologue, those atrocities which, committed elsewhere, would butcher language. At least she restrains herself to phrases within those two contexts, instead of splattering phrases liberally through her writing as so many wannabes do these days. Personally, I’m a purist. A period belongs at the end of a sentence, not a phrase.

DR. FICTION
I notice you act in a few other select contexts as well.

PERIOD
Yes, I place myself in contractions of proper titles. Your title “doctor,” for example, becomes Dr., just as Mister and Missus becomes Mr. and Mrs. Do you know some people have the audacity to forget me altogether in these contractions? It’s ghastly. The Time Contractions are the worst offenders. Ante Meridian and Post Meridian—never mind Before Christ and Anno Domini—parade around without my services as proud of their denuded state as the fabled emperor with no clothes. (As a side note: B.C. and A.D. are now translating themselves into B.C.E.—Before the Common Era—and C.E.—Common Era—but my services remain in desperate need. Plus, their attempt to avoid relationship with a certain carpenter still doesn’t answer the question: What separates the two time periods but the arrival of an important someone in the Middle East? Pardon my acerbity. I couldn’t help myself.)

DR. FICTION
No problem. Just a moment.

PERIOD
Is that a dictionary? What are you looking up?

DR. FICTION
Er, just a minute. One moment, please.

PERIOD
You’re using phrases.

DR. FICTION
I beg your pardon!

PERIOD
(sighing) I was hoping we would get through one interview without Exclamation Point butting in on my moment of glory. I suppose it was a vain hope.

DR. FICTION
(muttering) Acerbity: sourness, bitterness, etcetera. Ah! Now I understand. (louder) Well, Period, this interview has been quite…enlightening, to say the least.

PERIOD
Enter the ellipse. I knew it. It’s not enough to do the work of one. Now I must do the work of three. Must life be so unfair?

DR. FICTION
Don’t cry. Please don’t. Folks, I think perhaps Period needs some time to himself. Period, do you have anything to say before you go?

PERIOD
(sobbing) Learn proper grammar, people. Period.

DR. FICTION
Thank you, Period. Folks, return next time for more interviews with Punctuation Marks.

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