 Dr. Fiction interviews Count Rugen of The Princess Bride, and discusses the philosophy of the decorous villains who are calm and controlled under all circumstances. Villainy is, as Count Rugen puts it, still a "gentleman's sport." Question: What other popular villains exemplify this control? DR. FICTION
Welcome once again to the Dr. Fiction Show, where we are currently enjoying interviews with popular villains from the various schools of villainous philosophy. Today, we welcome our representative from the School of Cool and Cruel Cads—Count Rugen from The Princess Bride! COUNT RUGEN It is an honor to be here, sir. DR. FICTION Count Rugen, I am told that those from your school tend to be very reserved and calculated. In fact, if the graduates of the School of Cackling Homocidial Maniacs were to be considered at the upper register of volume, those of your school would be at the lowest. Why is that? COUNT RUGEN Those fools from the other schools are far too demonstrative and likely to work up an indecent sweat. We at SCCC believe that you should not threaten unless you can deliver and that you should remain calm and collected at all times. DR. FICTION Can you give us some examples of villains who have demonstrated this marvelous control? COUNT RUGEN Observe Javert from Les Miserables and Razgul from Batman Begins, both prime examples of the School of Cool and Cruel Cads. Both men have principles, strategize to implement them effectively, and, when meeting their inevitable doom, they do not rage, but merely accept it. They remind us all that villainy is still a gentleman’s sport. DR. FICTION It seems that your school and the Academy of Classy Villainy may have something in common. However, what do you see as the main difference between the schools? COUNT RUGEN The Classy Villains are finicky and focused only on material gain, and consider themselves villains. We Cool and Cruel Cads have principles, and thus you could argue that we should not be classified as villains at all. DR. FICTION You see yourselves as the heroes instead? COUNT RUGEN Absolutely. A character is often categorized as a villain because of his selfish motives. (Of course, the heroes of modern literature often share this flaw, but most people don’t notice the difference.) However, we of SCCC have avoided the sin of self-absorption. We are dedicated to accomplishing the reforms and upholding the causes of justice that we deem so dear. DR. FICTION What would you answer to those skeptics who respond that, by justice, you really mean revenge? COUNT RUGEN Let us not equivocate over trivial matters. We all know that the two concepts come down to the same thing. The concept is just called by different words depending on whether the hero or the villain is carrying out the deed—it’s justice if the hero does it, but revenge if I do it. Similarly, if a hero were to torture a man, it would be for a “worthy cause.” When I torture a man, it is considered merely sadism. DR. FICTION And you protest that it is not sadism? COUNT RUGEN Certainly not! It would only be sadism if I did so out of a morbid desire to inflict pain, something much more characteristic of the Academy of Cackling Homicidal Maniacs, as their name implies. But we of SCCC, in fact, inflict pain out of a simple desire to study it. I have a deep and abiding interest in pain; in fact, I am writing the definitive work on the subject. DR. FICTION Fascinating. It sounds very scientific. COUNT RUGEN Very. I could let you experience my life-sucking machine, if you like. I need one more subject before I can consider my tests complete. My last subject, a flashy blond who believed in true love, mostly died on me in my last test. DR. FICTION Mostly died? COUNT RUGEN Apparently, there’s a difference between mostly dead and all dead. Unfortunately, I didn’t know it until I found myself chased through the castle hallways by a crazy, drunk Spaniard shouting his name at me like a broken record. DR. FICTION Interesting. Thank you very much for your interest in me as a test subject, but I think I’ll pass on the opportunity. With so many villains to interview, I’m swamped. COUNT RUGEN Get some rest. If you haven’t got your health, you haven’t got anything. DR. FICTION How true it is! Thank you so much for joining us, Count Rugen. COUNT RUGEN My pleasure. Will you shake the hand of a six-fingered man? DR. FICTION Indeed I will! Folks, that was Count Rugen from the School of Cruel and Cool Cads. Return next time for the final interview of our series of ten, in which we hear from a representative from the University of Unseen Villains.
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