Dr. Fiction: Interviews With Villains - Grima Wormtongue

Dr. Fiction interviews Grima Wormtongue of the Lord of the Rings, discussing with him the unique difficulties of villains who sneak, flatter, and live isolated lives.

Question: Do you feel sorry for this type of villain, or disgusted by him?

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DR. FICTION
Hello, and welcome to the Dr. Fiction Show! Our guest today is Grima Wormtongue, long-time graduate of the School of Simpering Sneaks. Mr. Wormtongue, welcome and take a seat.

WORMTONGUE
I am ever in your service, m’lord.

DR. FICTION
Well…er…thank you. I understand that the School for Simpering Sneaks is well-known for producing a sort of sneaking, suspicious villain who alternately flatters his superiors and blames them for persecuting him.

WORMTONGUE
We don’t get enough credit. We never do. I served King Theoden of Rohan faithfully for many years, bearing the burdens of the kingdom upon my own shoulders, protecting Rohan from the war-mongering of the king’s nephew. And what did I get in return? A boot in the face. A very unfair judgment that somehow misunderstood my dedicated efforts on the king’s behalf as “leechcraft.” Oh, it breaks my heart.

DR. FICTION
Is this treatment typical of those in your school?


WORMTONGUE
Oh yes! Take, for example, my colleague, Mr. Ebenezer Balfour from Kidnapped, as recounted by that rogue Robert Louis Stevenson. Mr. Balfour tried to get his nephew kidnapped and killed, for, of course, the troublesome lad was the heir to the estate and would naturally have tried to oust his uncle. When his nephew returned with a lawyer and a number of powerful friends, did the authorities take Mr. Balfour’s side? Of course not! They stole all his beautiful money, which he had hoarded so faithfully for decades. Even worse, when the public heard of Mr. Balfour’s misfortunes from Mr. Stevenson’s book, they all took the side of the heir, and sent Mr. Balfour very nasty letters for trying to kill his nephew. What is a decent crook to do?

DR. FICTION
Do you feel that the school prepared you well for your career?

WORMTONGUE
(biting his almost non-existent fingernails) We could die and nobody would care at all! My new master, Saruman, is a little more to my taste than King Theoden, but I always have a nasty, sneaking suspicion that, once I am done doing his dirty work, he would like to get rid of me. Why would he wish such a thing? Maybe he’s afraid of competition, as I am too handsome and attractive to the ladies. The king’s neice, Eowyn, rather fancies me. I know many people have recalled that she denounced my words as “poison,” but what she meant was that my words were like enchantments. If it weren’t for that meddling Gandalf, Eowyn and I… But now it shall never be. I’m alone. All alone.

DR. FICTION
I’m truly sorry to hear that. Now, I understand that the term “simper” (meaning to smile in a silly manner) may be an apt description of your flattering tendencies. However, I hear that some in the school object to the word “sneaks.” Why is that?

WORMTONGUE
That probably came to the forefront in the case of my colleague Gollum-Smeagol. One fat hobbit had the nerve to accuse him of sneaking! We simpering villians do not sneak. We simply engage in unauthorized covert activities. Unfortunately, Gollum fell into the fires of Mount Doom before his slander and libel case could be closed. It was most wretched of him to do so. He could think about others every once in a while. We were hoping his case could lead to a class action suit for the rest of us. It’s truly lamentable, as someone of your intelligence must surely realize.

DR. FICTION
Do you feel that your career should be more well-respected?

WORMTONGUE
Absolutely! Some of my friends are evil henchmen, and they deplore their task as evil henchmen to other villains. We are the brains, but the main villain gets the credit for the destruction caused by the weapons we invent and the plans we devise. It’s hardly fair. But, as I always say, how can fire undo stone? It’s an entrenched system.

DR. FICTION
Your plight is truly pitiable, Wormtongue. Can you tell me what is next for you?

WORMTONGUE
Saruman and I are moving into a detestable little area called the Shire. I am hopeful that we shall restore some kind of respect for villainy there. I’ve heard that the chubby creatures might have some decent food in their pantries. Saruman appears to live on thin air. I can’t find a shred of edible matter in his larders. Actually, I don’t think he even has any larders—just an impressively dark sitting room.

DR. FICTION
Well, I wish you all the best and I thank you for your time with us. Folks, this has been Grima Wormtongue with the School of Simpering Sneaks! Return for our next episode: Emporer Palpatine from the Academy of Cackling Homicidal Maniacs!