 Dr. Fiction interviews two villains from the School of Schmoozers, a style of villainy that uses charm and attraction to deceive the heroes. Question: Why might this type of villainy be effective in a story? DR. FICTION
Ladies and gentlemen, let us now welcome not one, but two, guests from the School of Schmoozers: Mr. Wickham of Pride and Prejudice and Miss Brigid O’Shaughnessey of The Maltese Falcon. Tell me, Wickham, what makes both of you so representative of The Schmooze, as the school is popularly called? MR. WICKHAM Well, it’s no secret. Quite simply, we are both the most charming villains you will ever meet. Even the heroes who pitted their skills against our own discovered that, however much they hated us, they also loved us. They couldn’t help it. We’re far too attractive. DR. FICTION How did that work out for you, Mr. Wickham? MR. WICKHAM When I first met the heroine, Miss Elizabeth Bennet, she found me attractive simply on a physical scale. Speaking of which, I rather like my sideburns, don’t you? DR. FICTION Mr. Wickham, they suit you beautifully. Would the audience agree? (roar of approval from the audience) DR. FICTION Dear me, did that woman just swoon? Someone please attend to her at once. MR. WICKHAM My thanks, noble audience. As this audience has found my appearance pleasing, so Miss Bennet also found my manner. A touch of humility, the air of a patient sufferer, the oil of smooth words—all of these knit her affections to me. She was only too eager to hear my gossip about Mr. Darcy, but, of course, I leaked only a little information, to make her more curious by my pretense at protecting Mr. Darcy’s reputation. DR. FICTION Smoothly played. And then? MR. WICKHAM Then I seduced her sister and used her family to pay my debts. DR. FICTION Scandalous! MR. WICKHAM (laughing) Isn’t it? I would have had Miss Darcy if I had the chance—much richer and more docile. However, the youngest Miss Bennet had no older brothers to interfere, a certain point in her favor. DR. FICTION Very true. How has your nefarious activity impacted your career? MR. WICKHAM Beautifully! Life couldn’t be better. DR. FICTION Scot free, just like that? MR. WICKHAM Just like that! I’ve tried to convince other villains to join the school. It really is the best of all worlds. The orcs didn’t get it and tried to pick me over for fleas—as if I had any. Vizzini spouted off some sort of heady nonsense about brains counting for more than charm; I left him still talking. Dracula was hopeless. Plus, he wanted to exsanguinate me. I wasn’t much in favor of that. It would spoil my looks. DR. FICTION A fate too awful to contemplate! And you, Miss O’Shaughnessy? What is your story? MISS O’SHAUGHNESSY As the proverb says, “Charm is deceitful.” I did everything in my power to inspire Mr. Spade’s love for me, even though, unknown to him, I had killed his business partner. I even hoped that Mr. Spade and I might have a relationship, but he saw me for what I was. I haven’t lived a good life. I’ve been bad, worse than you could know. DR. FICTION Miss O’Shaughnessy, is that a tear? Dear me! Have a tissue, please. You make me almost envy Mr. Spade. Please don’t cry. MR. WICKHAM Take care, Doctor. Those are the tears that almost cracked even the hard-jawed Mr. Spade. She’s a femme fatale, if ever there was one. DR. FICTION Explain that term for us: femme fatale. MISS O’SHAUGHNESSY When a woman criminal uses her allure to put a hero off his guard, she is called a “femme fatale,” the French for “dangerous or deadly woman.” Consider Samson and Delilah. She was beautiful—but she ultimately led Samson to his death. DR. FICTION A femme fatale has a pecular attraction, even more so than her male counterpart. MR. WICKHAM As I’ve observed before, when a man hides his crimes behind charm and sweet nothings, he is simply a scoundrel. When a woman uses her wicked wiles to get her way, her magnetism to the audience remains undiminished. MISS O’SHAUGHNESSY Be generous, Mr. Wickham. You, after all, did not go to jail. MR. WICKHAM Well, for starters, I picked a better love interest. DR. FICTION Mr. Wickham, Miss O’Shaughnessy, thank you for your time with us. I must say, I have enjoyed your company more than those of the previous villains. Folks, that lovely pair represented the School of Schmoozers. Coming next: a representative from the Academy of Creepiness!
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