Dr. Fiction: Interviews with Villains - Orc

Dr. Fiction interviews an Orc from the School of Mindless Underlings, discussing the diminished intelligence of the expendable class of villainy.

Question: Why do you think so many villains employ mindless underlings?

"I really wish you'd start monologuing now. I'm so confused."

DR. FICTION

Greetings! I am your host, Dr. Fiction, and I welcome you to the Dr. Fiction Show! Today begins our ten-part series with representatives of the ten different schools of villainy. That’s right, folks—it’s all about the bad guys! Ready to begin? Marvelous. Please welcome our esteemed guest: an orc from The Lord of the Rings, representing the School of Mindless Underlings!

(cheers and flashy lights. Orc lumbers onstage)

DR. FICTION
Welcome! Take a seat. Now, this is embarrassing for me, but I have the card here with your name on it and…forgive me, but... Could you please pronounce your name for me?

ORC
(bellows) Sprizbrorgubzubrg!

DR. FICTION
Gesundheit!

ORC
Er?

DR. FICTION
Your name please?

ORC
I say Sprizbrorgubzubrg!

DR. FICTION
Beg pardon? Oh! I see. Your name is...what you just said. I notice that you have an appropriate number of Zs, Gs, and Us in your name to qualify for any classic fantasy villain. You must make your school proud.

ORC
(bares teeth) Dag you berry buch.

DR. FICTION
Now, Spriz (I hope you don’t mind me shortening your name) I understand that the School for Mindless Underlings specializes in producing minions en masse, most of them with—if you will excuse the term—severely diminished mental capacities so that they are easily controlled by one of the senior villains.

ORC
*Snort*…uh…(scratches head) Dag you berry buch?

DR. FICTION
Can you tell me, Spriz, what attracted you to this particular school?

ORC
Me like man-flesh!

DR. FICTION
Oh. I hope they feed you well there?

ORC
(stands on chair) No! Ain’t had nothing but maggotty bread for three stinkin’ days!

DR. FICTION
Er…quite. (turns pale) Do you mind backing up just a little bit more? There, that’s much more…er…comfortable. If what you say is true, college fare is certainly deteriorating. Can you give me some examples of the sort of classes you take?

ORC
Yelling and Screaming…(scratches head) Whacking Things… Chest-thumping… Brandishing Weapons… 51 Ways to Wear Rags… Dreadlock Art… Messy Eating… How to Avoid Toothbrush and Shower (shudders)… Obeying Orders…

DR. FICTION
I understand that the task of a mindless underling is an important one, though some call you the “expendable” class of villainy. In other words, your purpose is to fight and, often, to die. Do you have any comment on that?

ORC
I fight.

DR. FICTION
Yes, and the dying part?

ORC
I kill manflesh!

DR. FICTION
Of course, but what about your very high chances of death?

ORC
Me hungry. You man flesh?

DR. FICTION
Uh…I’m a show host.

ORC
(disappointed) Oh.

DR. FICTION
Spriz, despite the importance of your role, do you ever long for different work?

ORC
(discovers a centipede in his dreadlock and watches it reflectively before picking it off and eating it)

DR. FICTION
(swallowing) Er…do you mind backing up your chair a little more?

ORC
GRRRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!

DR. FICTION
Dear me, it seems that our friend Spriz has fallen off the set. No worries! I’m sure he’ll be fine. Those orcs are known to be quite hard-headed. Stay tuned for our next interview with a representative from the School of Simpering Sneaks!

“He just gave the sense of not being substantial. Of being able to recede into the background if he wished. Of being invisible in plain sight.”