Taxes: Fantasy & Science Fiction Edition

In this post: A tax form applicable to your favorite fantasy and science fiction worlds.
For subscribers: An exclusive scene from my fantasy WIP featuring a humorous financial negotiation.

​Nobody likes tax season, and last year's season had me literally in tears. My Dragon and I joke that we were penalized for having gotten married, but the piles of extra paperwork was certainly no joke. Despite help from a computer tax program and volunteer help from a certified accountant we knew, I still spent hours with a good ol' calculator and a plethora of forms.

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Fill in 34b with the number you get from Schedule A.

Well, you can't get the number from Schedule A until you do the calculations related to Table 7.1.

Actually, just kidding. You don't qualify for the information related to Table 7.1. See Table 7.2

Here's a detailed explanation of what we want that makes absolutely nothing clearer.

So, out of frustration, I decided to #TellItFantasyStyle. I grabbed a legal pad and began writing what has now become the nonsense you are about to read.

If you've ever had the pleasure of working with the IRS, or known the delights of exponential diversions to various tables and schedules and qualifying standards, and you have a smidgen of nerd in you, then I present to you: Taxes: Fantasy and Science Fiction Edition!

Tax Form

Please read all the instructions gravely. Do not forget to attach your left arm and your right leg and to sign away the rights to your firstborn in blood on the space indicated at the bottom of the form. Also, if you lie on this form, the harp will know and you will be liable for every broken string.

1. Indicate whether you are a chimera filing separately or a hydra filing together.

2. If you believe ROUSes exist, go to the Sorting Hat and determine your Hogwarts House.

3. If you don't believe ROUSes exist, you can 1) kiss a Wookie, 2) kick a droid, or 3) fly the Falcon through an asteroid.

4. Declare any wardrobes, looking glasses, or wormholes to see if you qualify for a shardblade.

5. Input the most horrible, terrifying, evil thing you can possibly think of and multiply it by six. (Note: It still only counts as one.)

​6. If the number of dilithium crystals you own is less than 1984, refer to the Stone Table to determine if you will receive a Telmarine deduction or a Narnian deduction.

7. If the number of dilithium crystals you own is more than 2001, refer to the Round Table to determine if you should be represented by Lancelot or Gawain.

8. If you own a brown coat or a firefly, report to the madman in the blue box.

9. If you inherited your uncle's ring, you are not eligible to become a Dragonrider. However, you may still qualify for turnip 'n' tater 'n' beetroot pie.

10. If someone can claim you as their Shadow Child, or if you have any Shadow Children, you must pay the Baron tax.

11. See Schedule A-Z to see if you qualify for the Divergent credit. If not, you will have to run through the Maze.

​12. If the answer isn't 42, we will have you whipped, flogged, put on the rack, and then have your back legs fried in butter.

Your Turn!

How did you do on your taxes (SFF edition)? What would you add to this form?